We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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