i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
