i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
