so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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