So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she looked like the before picture.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
