i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
