Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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