that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
