My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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