This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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