She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
