there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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