This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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