I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
