I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
