I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
