Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
