the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
