U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
