My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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