He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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