take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
