Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This is classic penis vs brain.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
