so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
