Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
