Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He had one of those small greek statue penises
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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