I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
