I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
