I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
