ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
