It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
