So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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