Umm I'm too high to move.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
