I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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