He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
