I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
