How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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