Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
4 words: hood of his car
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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