At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
