Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
