Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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