i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
