I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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