i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
