I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
