I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Ladies don't puke and tell
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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