it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
