I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
