I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
