i was born a porn star she said
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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